Where does Santa Claus stay when he’s on vacation?
At a ho, ho, ho-tel

Why did Santa take his tree to the dentist?
To get a root canal

Who delivers Christmas gifts to pets?
Santa Paws

What goes oh, oh, oh?
Santa walking backwards

What does Santa like to have for breakfast?
Mistle-toast

How does Santa take photos?
With his North Pole-aroid camera

What kind of motorcycle would Santa Claus ride?
A “Holly” Davidson

What does Santa Claus do in his garden?
Hoe, hoe, hoe

What’s red and white and falls down the chimney?
Santa Klutz

What would you call Santa if he became a detective?
Santa Clues

What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
Claus-trophobic

What did Santa Claus say to all the toys on Christmas Eve?
Ok, gang, time to hit the sack!

The Politically Correct Night Before Christmas
‘Twas the night before Christmas and Santa’s a wreck…
How to live in a world that’s politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to “Elves,”
“Vertically Challenged” they were calling themselves.

And labor conditions at the North Pole
Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.
Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.

And equal employment had made it quite clear
That Santa had better not use just reindeer.
So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!

The runners had been removed from his sleigh;
The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.
And people had started to call for the cops
When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops.

Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.
His fur trimmed red suit was called “Unenlightened.”
And to show you the strangeness of life’s ebbs and flows,
Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose
And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,
Demanding millions in over-due compensation.

So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,
Who suddenly said she’d enough of this life,
Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,
Demanding from now on her title was Ms.

And as for the gifts, why, he’d ne’er had a notion
That making a choice could cause so much commotion.
Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.

Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.
Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys.

Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.
Nothing that’s warlike or non-pacific.
No candy or sweets…they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.

And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,
Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.
For they raised the hackles of those psychological
Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.

No baseball, no football…someone could get hurt;
Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.
Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe’;
And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.

So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed;
He just could not figure out what to do next.
He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,
But you’ve got to be careful with that word today.

His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;
Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.
Something special was needed, a gift that he might
Give to all without angering the left or the right.

A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
Each group of people, every religion;
Every ethnicity, every hue,
Everyone, everywhere…even you.
So here is that gift, it’s price beyond worth…
“May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth.”

copyright Harvey Ehrlich, 1992

Notice: This poem is copyright 1992 by Harvey Ehrlich. It is free to distribute, without changes, as long as this notice remains intact. All follow-ups, requests, comments, questions, distribution rights, etc should be made to mduhan@husc.harvard.edu. Happy Holidays!

One silly Christmas video sure to please most kids, particularly elementary age ones, is the Farting Elves. This humorous video features Santa’s elves (along with Mrs. Claus and Santa Claus, too) farting to the tune of The Twelve Days of Christmas.  Who knew elves had such a strange musical talent? I thought they only knew how to build toys. But after watching this video, you may never see elves the same way.

Now I know you’re thinking that a farting Christmas song is childish bathroom humor that probably wouldn’t be entertaining for most civilized adults. And you could be right. But there are either a lot of children on YouTube or some adults have enjoyed this video, too, as more than 250,000 people have watched the JibJab Farting Elves on YouTube. So go on, check it out. Don’t worry – we won’t tell.